Things that HP Characters wouldn't do or say
by lozza1989
Summary: In this story, Harry Potter characters spend a week doing stuff they wouldn't usually do and saying stuff they wouldn't usually say. NO FLAMES!.
1. Chapter 1

Things that Hp Characters wouldn't do or say

Disclaimer:Please note that I do not own any of the Characters relating to Harry Potter. They all belong to Jk Rowling.

First off let's start with things that Harry Potter wouldn't do or say.

Saturday:

Harry Potter was doing something really naughty, he was selling out porn magazines to the boys in Gryffindor.

"Come on fellas, get your porn magazines here, plenty of naked ladies to drool over" he called out when the boys went for them. "Hey your right" said Ron "there are some very hot girls in this". he drools.

"Roll up, roll up, come on gents, these porno magazines are going fast" he called out. Pretty soon, all the magazines were gone but Harry got to keep one for himself.

"You know something Ron, I'm so glad that these went down really fast" Harry told his red headed buddy.

"Why is that?" Ron asked. "Because, I nicked them from my Uncle Vernon and decideed to sell them" replied Harry with a big smirk on his face.

Sunday:

"Hey Harry, you coming to hang about on the grounds with me and Hermione?" Ron asked that morning.

"No" replied Harry "I don't want to be yours or Hermione's friend anymore, I've got a new friend and we've decided to spent some quality time together". Ron was puzzled, Harry didn't want to be his mate anymore, what was going on?.

"Well, who is your new friend then?" Ron asked.

"He's right here" said Harry "come out so Ron can meet you". Ron watched as Harry's new best friend entered."Ahhhhhhhh, it's You-know-who, he's your friend?". Harry nodded and so did Voldemort.

"Shit, how could you harry after everything we did together" said ron in shock. "You gotta move on dude, go and find some new mates. Come on Volds, let's go torture some house elfs" replied Harry, laughing evilly.

"Harry, come back" said Ron in monotone.

Monday:

Snape was marching down the corridors when he bumped into Harry Potter.

"Are you snooping about Potter?" he asked suspisciously. "No, you great big babboon's backside" retaliated Harry. Snape looked gobsmacked and extremely angry at the same time.

"How dare you insult me with such insults" he replied in his cold, cruel amd dark tone. "Shut up snivelly, I shall insult you whether you like it or not, fat ass, pig face, bastard from planet of the bastards" Harry spat at a rapid pace.

"Right" said Snape calmly "Detention for you little rap scallion". Harry shook his head. "Sorry dude, I'm off, laters" and he waltzed off.Snape was stood on the spot looking dumbfounded.

Tuesday:

Today, Harry was spending some quality time with his new pal, Voldemort. Today, Harry was teaching Voldemort a new dance.

"And then you do this" said harry, shaking his bum. "Like this?" asked Voldemort, doing the same. "That's it, now you've got it" said Harry feeling pleased.Voldemort then started doing the whole dance routine that Harry had taught him.

"hey, I think I've got it" said Voldemort as he went through the routine a second time. Harry was clapping. "That's it, you've definatly got it" he said to his new friend. After a while, Voldemort got tired of dancing.

"You know, I don't know why we I even tried to kill you, you're awesome" he told Harry. "yeah" replied Harry.

Wednesday:

That morning in Potions, Harry decided to enter dressed up as Batman.

"Mr Potter, take that ridiculas outfit off this minute" Snape barked. "No, I'm Batman" replied Harry in a rasping voice. Snape sighed nad rubbed his forehead.

"Potter, I'm not in the mood for your childish games, now sit down right now". Harry didn't move, he stayed rooted on the spot instead."I was sent here to arrest you for harsh detentions" said Harry, snapping a pair of Bat-cuffs on Snape's wrist.

"Look, I don't want to play potions master gets arrested by a giant bat game, now sit down" snape ordered. "I'm Batman" replied Harry "and this isn't a game. You are under arrest" and he marched Snape out of the classroom.

"Youa re so going to get a detention" Snape said in a sinister tone. "Silience" Harry barked "you're coming to the Batcave and staying there until I say when you can go" Harry replied in his rasping voice. Snape rolled his eyes and sighed. The Batcave was situated in a basic cave in the forbidden forest.

"You do know that stundets arn't allowed in here" barked Snape but Harry pushed him into the cave. "You will stay here until you agree to stop giving poor defenseless students in this school harsh detentions, especially ones who know the correct answers to your questions, like Hermione Granger" and he walked away.

"Argh, that Potter is going to get one big detention when I get out of here. How dare he dress up as a bat and arrest me" said Snape in a cold dark voice.

To be continued...

--

Sorry I only got up to wednesday, I ran out of ideas for thursday and friday but when I do think of some, I'll add them in the next chapter. Anyway, what do you reckon. I wrote a story like this ages ago but I accidently deleted it so I've decided to put it up again but it might be a little different from the old one. So, if you've read this then please leave a review , maybe giving me so ideas on who I could do next or just your opinion. The second chapter will include what Harry wouldn't do or say on Thursday and friday. So I'll put that one up when I've come up with some ideas or you could give me some hints if you decide to review.


	2. Things that Harry won't do or say part 2

Things that Harry won't do or say part 2

Thursday:

Today, Harry was serving detention with Snape, due to Wednesday's events.

"You think that you can dress up as a bat, drag me to the dark forest and put me in a cave" Snape sneered "well, you shall be punished severly".

"Don't bet on it you greasy haired, big nosed asshole" Harry blurted out. Snape spun around on the spot and gave Harry the evils.

"What did you say to me, potter?" the potions master demanded.

"I called you a greasy haired, big nosed asshole. Get that into your thick skull, bitch" Harry replied with a smirk. Snape growled in fury and threw a board rubber at him in which Harry had to duck.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SUCH NAMES YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BUGGER" Snape growled.

"Oooooooh, Snapeys getting mardy bum, snapey's getting mardy bum" Harry sang.

"SHUT UP" Snape wailed.

"Now now mardy bum, I see you frowning, it's like looking down the barrell of a gun and it goes off" Harry sang. Losing his temper, Snape grabbed Harry by the collar, booted him out of the classroom and slammed the door in his face.

"YOU REALLY NEED TIME OUT SEVVY" Harry called.

"GO AWAY POTTER" Snape yelled from inside the shrugged and walked away.

Friday:

Today, Harry had to confess something to Ron and Hermione.

"Guys, I'm in love" he admitted " and I feel ashamed". Hermione smiled and put her hand on his knees.

"You don't have to feel ashamed of being in love Harry, it happens to everyone" she told him with a reassuring smile.

"But I should feel ashamed because I'm in love with a man" the boy who lived blurted out. Both Ron and Hermione gasped in horror.

"You mean, you're you're........" Ron said.

"Yes Ron, I am gay" Harry admitted putting his hand on his chest and hanging his head "I am a gayboy".

"So, who is it that you're in love with?" Hermione asked. Harry took a deep breath and prepared for the consequences.

"It's Malfoy" Harry admitted. Both Ron and Hermione screamed.

"nooooooooooooooooooo" they wailed.

"It's true" Harry said "I am in love with Draco Malfoy".

"But Harry, he's a slytherin and they are our enemies" Ron said in horror.

"How could you betray us like this Harry?" Hermione sobbed.

"Does he know?" Ron asked as Hermione wailed.

"Yes, he knows" Harry replied " and he's waiting for me down in the dungeons for me" and he walked off.

"Oh my god, he's fucking Malfoy" Ron gasped. Hermione was still wailing.

"I wanted it to be me, I wanted him to fuck me" she screamed. Ron patted her on the shoulder.

"There there Hermione, how about you do me instead?" he suggested. Hermione pushed him down.

"Screw you, I wanted to be fucked by Harry Potter, not you" she spat before walking off. Ron started crying and took out his teddy bear.

"At least I have you, buster" he said to his teddy bear, sobbing.

That's Harry Potter done, next week, it's Voldemort. Stay tuned.


	3. Things that voldemort won't do or say

Things that Voldemort won't do or say

Saturday:

"Go on Lucius, put the dvd on" Voldemort ordered, pointing at his new dvd player that he had bought.

"I don't know my lord, I don't like these sort of films" Lucius replied "I wouldn't let Draco watch something like this."

"Just stick the DVD on. I like these sort of films, now PUT IT ON." Without hesitation, Lucius put the disk in the player and pressed play. Voldemort sat on the sofa with a big bucket of popcorn.

"oh, oh, it's starting, come and have a seat Lucius" the dark lord ordered.

"No thanks, I think I need to, smooth Draco's hair" Lucius said, rather uncomfortably.

"AVEDA...................." Voldemort yelled.

"Alright Alright, I'll watch your stupid film with you" Lucius sighed, plonking himself next to Voldemort.

"Trust me, you'll thank me for this one day" Voldemort said. Lucius rolled his eyes and sulked.

A few minutes later.....

Both Voldemort and Lucius where singing.

"_When I hear my favourite song_

_I know that we belong"_ thy both sang.

"_You are the music in me"_ Voldemort sang to Lucius.

"_It's living in all of us_

_And it's bought us here because......." _they both sang.

"_You are the music in me" _Lucius continued. Draco who seemed to be passing by, saw his father singing and dancing.

"Oh my god Father, what are you doing?" the young Malfoy demanded.

"Watching High School musical 2" Lucius replied.

"It's my favourite movie" Voldemort blurted out.

"And now it's miiiiiiiiiiiine" Lucius squealed. Draco screamed and ran out the room. He hated Disney movies, unlike Voldemort who loved them.

Sunday:

Today, Voldemort was skipping through his lair, dressed in pink robes, a flower crown sat on his head plus he was scattering flower petals all over the place and he was singing!.

"_I feel pretty_

_Oh so pretty_

_I feel pretty_

_And witty_

_And gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"_ he sang happily as his fellow Death Eaters watched on in horror.

" He should really lay off the happy potion" one Death Eater suggested. The others nodded in agreement. Voldemort continued skipping through his lair when he came across a cute fluffy bunny.

"Awwwwww, what a cute little bunny you are" he cooed as he scopped up the bunny "I will call you flopsy and you will be mine."

"He definatly should lay off the happy potion" the Death eater said as he watched Voldemort snuggle with Flopsy.

Monday:

"I have a plan" Voldemort stated "tonight, we raid Hogwarts." So, Voldemort and his goons snuck into Hogwarts and into the great hall where a party was in full swing. Voldemort used his wand to make a gun sound so the people stopped partying.

"Good evening ladies and Gentlemen" he called out to the whole great hall.

"God damn it Voldemort, what are you doing here?" Dumbledore demanded furiously.

"We are tonight's entertainment" Voldemort replied, looking around the great hall "and I have one question.....who wants a snowball fight?." The great hall was silent before erupting into hysterical laughter. Voldemort looked dumbfounded.

"What, I wasn't joking, I really do want a snowball fight, I love those" Voldemort protested.

"let me get this straight, you came bursting into Hogwarts unannounced just for a snowball fight?" Dumbledore asked. Voldemort nodded.

"That's it, I thought you came here to destroy us all" Dumbledore said.

"No, I want a snowball fight. Now, who's interested?." The students and teachers stared at him blankly.

"I'll take that as a no then?" he asked. Everyone nodded.

"Ok" he turned to his goons "ok boys, back home."

Tuesday:

Voldemort was looking around for his beloved Flopsy, he had gone missing.

"Flopsy, Flopsy where are you?" he called as he searched his lair from top to bottom. There was still no sign of his beloved flopsy. Voldemort was about to give up when he saw Lucius passing by so he thought he would ask him.

"Lucius, hey Lucius" Voldemort yelled, running up to Lucius "have you seen my beloved bunny, Flopsy?."

"No, I haven't seen your stupid rabbit" Lucius replied coldly before walking off. Voldemort flipped Lucius off and continued searching for Flopsy.

It had been almost six hours since Flopsy went missing when Wormtail came to inform Voldemort of some news.

"My lord, you are not going to believe this" Wormtail panted.

"Can't it wait Wormtail, I'm kind of in the middle of finding my bunny here" the dark lord barked.

"That's just it my lord, your snake Nagini abducted your Bunny and now she is eating it" Wormtail said.

"WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort screamed, running to his room to find nagini devouring the rest of what used to be Flopsy.

"You stupid snake, I hate you so much, how dare you eat my beloved Flopsy, AVEDA KEDAVRA" and he killed Nagini.

"I've had enough of that motherfucking snake in my motherfucking lair" he admitted.

Wednesday:

Voldemort made his way nervously into Lucius's room, hiding something behind his back.

"Hello Voldemort" said Lucius.

"Erm, hi Lucius" said Voldemort. Lucius noticed that Voldemort was kind of edgy.

"What's the matter with you?" Lucius asked.

"Well erm I" Voldemort stated nervously. Lucius was getting impatient.

"Spit it out" he demanded. Voldemort sighed and got down on one knee. Lucius looked at him with a blank expression on his face.

"Voldemort, what in god's name are doing?" Lucius asked as Voldemort took out a ring and held it out to Lucius.

"Lucius malfoy, will you do me the honours of making me the happiest man on earth?" Voldemort asked.

"You don't mean............"

"Yes, Lucius, I'm asking you to marry me" Voldemort said. Lucius screamed, ran out of the room and informed all of the Deatheaters that Voldemort had proposed to him.

Thursday:

Voldemort was in a bar, drowning his sorrows, he had lost his beloved Flopsy and Lucius had rejected his marriage offer. He was downing his fourth pint when Harry Potter came sauntering in and plonked himself next to Voldemort.

"What are you doing in here Potter?" Voldemort asked.

"I'm drowning my sorrows" Harry replied "how about you?."

"Same as you, why are you drowning your sorrows?."

"Because the people I live with treat me like a compete bastard and Snape hit me" Hary replied glumily.

"I'm in here because I've lost my beloved bunny, flopsy and Lucius malfoy refused my marriage offer" Voldemort replied.

"Guess we have it tough huh?" Harry asked. Voldemort nodded and burst into tears. Harry did the same and now the pair where hugging.

"waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" they both sobbed.

"Let's kill ourselves" Harry suggested "right here, right now."

"Good idea" Voldemort replied.

"hey" said the bar tender "no suicides in my pub."

"Ok" both said Voldemort and Harry said before leaving.

Friday:

"Oh oh, the post man is here" Voldemort said as the postman post a parcel through the letter box. The dark lord ran to his parcel like a child on chrismtas morning and picked it up.

"At last, it has finally arrived" he said in truimph "the one thing i've been dreaming off ever since they came out".

Lucius was cleaning the dishes in the kitchen when he heard some body singing. He put down the wash cloth and followed the source of the singing. It seemed to be coming from Voldemort's bedroom, so, Lucius peeked inside and saw something that almost gave him a fatal heart attack. Voldemort was in his bathrobes (which were pink by the way) and he was singing along with a pink I-pod mini.

"_I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick, I kissed a girl just to try it,I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"._ Lucius shook his head.

"That's it, I'm referring him to a phycologist."and he took out a cell phone and started dialling a number.


	4. Things that Snape won't do or say

Things that snape won't do or say

Saturday:

"Severus Snape, can you please get down this instant?" McGonagall demanded. The Potion's master was stood on top of the astronomy tower, arms stretched out with a big grin on his face.

"What is going on here?" Dumbledore asked who had just arrived from the great hall, eating a bagel.

"Thank goodness you're here Albus" McGonagall said in a relieved voice "Severus is about to jump of the Astronomy tower."

"What, is he going to commit suicide?" Dumbledore asked, looking up and taking a bite out of his bagel.

"No, he's drunk and now he believes he can fly" McGonagall replied in a annoyed voice. Snape stretched his arms out even further, laughing manically.

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY, I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Snape sang before he leaped from the tower. McGonagall screamed and covered her eyes. Dumbledore just sighed and pulled out his wand.

"Accio trampoline" he utterered and a Trampoline appeared. Snape landed safely on it, but he was utterly pissed. McGonagall and Dumbledore stood over him with their hands on their hips.

"That was fun" he stated "can I do that again?." He was waving a Vodka bottle around.

"No Severus" said McGonagall sternly as she helped Snape to his feet "you're going to get yourself sobered up."

"Awwwwwwww, but I want to to that again" Snape pouted, folding his arms like a spoilt two year old.

"No, severus, now get sobered up" McGonagall ordered.

"Ok" Snape whimpered as he got up from the trampoline and staggered back to Hogwarts while saying "one day,I will fly."

Sunday:

The teachers were in the middle of a staff meeting when Snape needed to take a pee. He was bouncing up and down in his seat with his legs crossed.

"Awwww man, I got to go" he whined.

"Calm down Severus, the meeting is nearly over" McGonogal said. But Snape was desperate.

"But I really got to go" he moaned.

"I'm sure you can hold it for half an hour" Dumbledore suggested.

"But, I can't hold it any longer Albus, I'm going to wee myself" Snape whined. Reluctantly, the teachers allowed Snape to go to the toilet.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's better." He said as he came back.

Monday:

Today, Snape had decided to go rap star and he was stood in his office, rapping.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other Brother's can't denie, when a girl walks in with an iddy biddy waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung."

Meanwhile, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were walking along when they heard Snape rapping.

"S to the n, to the a,to the p the e , that spells Snape and that's my name, don't ya niggers mess with my game, because I'm from da hoodz" he rapped. The trio looked in the classroom and saw Snape stood on his desk, doing rap moves.

"What has Snape been taking?" Ron asked in horror.

"I don't know, maybe somebody gave him a rap potion" Harry suggested.

"There's no such thing as a rap potion" Hermione stated. Harry and Ron looked at each other,looking confused.

"I iz da mothafucka potion's master, I iz da best, better than all da rest, brrapp brapp."

"That's it, I'm going to have nightmares for years now" Ron stated as he witnessed Snape breakdancing.

"Can't touch this, aha, you can't touch this" the Potion's master went. This time, Ron ran off in horror with Harry and Hermione not far behind.

Tuesday:

Draco malfoy was walking down the hallways when he suddenly fell down a flight of stairs and twisted his ankle.

"God damn it" he shouted "fucking stairs." Suddenly, Snape appeared, dressed as a super hero.

"Never fear, super Snape is here" he declared. Malfoy stared blankly at the head of his own house.

"I do not believe it, Snape has completely lost his marbles" Malfoy mumbled. Snape looked around and saw Malfoy on the floor, holding his ankle.

"Are you in trouble young citizen of Hogwarts?" he asked in a superhero's voice.

"Yeah, give me hand then take off that stupid outfit" Malfoy ordered. Snape ran to Malfoy and scooped him up.

"never fear my fine friend, you are now in the hands of super snape" he declared. Malfoy rolled his eyes.

"You need help man, big time."

Wednesday:

It was dinner time and Snape wanted some salt on his dinner.

"Where is the salt, I need the salt" he said as he searched the salt.

"Severus, there is no salt left" Dumbledore told the potion's master.

"What?" Snape demanded.

"Hagrid used up the last bit" Dumbledore replied. Snape shot Hagrid an evil glare.

"You will die" he declared, pointing at Hagrid who looked dumbstruck.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you used all the salt and now you must die."

"That's enough now Severus, you cannot kill Hagrid because he used up all the salt" McGonagall told him sternly. Snape pouted and folded his arms.

"I was thinking" Dumbledore said "we should let the students go camping in the grounds, I think it will be.............."

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAGRID" Snape bellowed, attempting to jump on Hagrid but failed.

"This isn't over" he warned, pointing at Hagrid. He walked out of the great hall and came back driving a bulldozer (I don't know where he got it from so don't ask,it's just appeared randomly). A lot of the students screamed as Snape knocked down most of the great hall until he saw his target.

"Now Hagrid, it is time to die. Maybe this will teach you not to use all the salt, muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha." He drove the Bulldozer towards Hagrid, but it only ran over his foot.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" Hagrid hollered. McGonagall told Snape to leave the bulldozer and she slapped him.

"That's for hurting Hagrid, now go to your office and think about what you've done." Snape hung his head in shame and walked out of the great hall.

Thursday:

McGonagall was in her office, sorting through some stuff when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in" she said. The door opened and Snape walked in, looking rather sheepish.

"What is it Severus?" she asked as Snape approached her desk.

"Erm, I, erm wanted to ask you something" Snape replied. He was fidgeting with something in his pocket.

"Ok Severus, go ahead" McGonagall replied "what is it that you need to ask me?." Immediately, Snape got down on one knee and pulled out a ring from his pocket.

"Severus Snape, what are you doing?" McGonagall asked in horror.

"Minerva McGonagall, will you do me the honour of being my wife?" Snape proposed. McGonagall stood up from her chair, walked towards Snape and bitch-slapped him.

"What's your answer?" he asked, rubbing his face.

"The answer is no you imbecile, don't you know that I'm already and secretly married to Dumbledore." In response, Snape jumped out the open window and fell two floors down.

Friday:

Snape was in the hospital wing, due to jumping out the window yesterday.

"You are very stupid to do something like that" Madam pomfrey told him as he scowled and grumbled. "Why on Earth did you jump out the window?."

"McGonagall refused my marriage offer" he replied. Madam Pomfrey managed to stop herself from giggling.

"Is that all?" she asked. In response, Snape shot her a very evil glare.

"No that is not all you bitch" he snapped.

"Severus Snape" Madam Pomfrey screamed "control your temper."

"No I will not control my bloody temper, not after finding out McGonagall is MARRIED TO DUMBLEDORE." Madam Pomfrey stopped what she was doing and looked horrified.

"McGonagall and Dumbledore are married?" she asked in horror. Snape nodded and grinned evilly.

"Yes they are and I'm going to make sure that the whole school knows" and he got up and walked out of the hospital wing, laughing evilly. Madam Pomfrey shook her head.

"That man really needs to get a new hobby."

Snape was strolling along the corridors, thinking of some way to spread the rumour that McGonagall and Dumbledore were secretly married.

He was about to give up on the idea when he saw Peeves who was writing obscene phrases on one of the classroom doors.

"Hey,Peeves" Snape yelled.

"Oh, it's stinky Snape" Peeves said when he saw Snape "and what does Smelly Severus want?."

"I need a rumour spreading and I want to make sure that the whole School knows" replied Snape.

"Oh, I'm good at that sort of stuff" Peeves replied ,looking mischieveous.

"Ok, come here so I can tell you what Rumour I want you to spread around the school" Snape ordered. Peeves flew over towards Snape and he started telling him about Dumbledore,s and Mcgonogall's secret marriage.

"Is that true?" Peeves asked, looking quite shocked. Snape nooded and grin in a malicious manner.

"Are you going to tellt he whole school?" he asked,

"Sure,I don't care if it's true or not,I'm still going to tell the whole School about their secret. It won't be a secret for long" said Peeves who was rubbing his hands together.

"Good,now get on with it" Snape ordered.

A few weeks later,whenever someone saw Dumbledore and McGonogall together, they would start singing "here comes the bride" or they would ask Dumbledore and ask "when did you propose to her then Proffesor?."

"Albus, for some reason, the whole school knows about our secret marriage" McGonogall explained.

"Calm yourself Minerva, maybe one day we will find whoever started this" Dumbledore replied in a calm voice.

Elsewhere, peeves had just informed Snape that the whole school now knew about Dumbledore's and McGonogall's secret.

"Execellent" said Snape,rubbing his hands together evilly.


End file.
